All human wisdom is summed up in these two words: wait and hope. (The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas)

A few weeks ago, I visited Cockatoo Island with UNSW’s Postgraduate Council. This island, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, was once a convict penal settlement. Our group embarked on a guided tour, exploring its layered history. After a brief ferry ride from Barangaroo Wharf, we arrived under a gentle drizzle.

While waiting for the tour guide, we gathered for lunch in a coastal restaurant. As I finished my meal, I glanced at my watch, checking if it was already time for prayer. I approached the trip leader to get her permission to excuse myself for a while.

“Is it okay if I pray for approximately ten minutes?” I asked softly.

“Of course.” She put down the pizza in her hand and smiled. “Take as much time as you need. We’ll wait.”

I immediately thanked her and left to pray. As I walked toward the beach to perform ablution, a strangely vivid feeling washed over me. Take as much time as you need. Her words struck a chord deep within me. How I wish I could say that to myself every single day. In this convict site, I realized I myself was a convict of my own self-reproach. I internally spoke “dear self who often blames herself for walking too slowly and taking too much time to reach 'places', take as much time as you need.” while patting my shoulder. I very much deserved it after years of self-blaming.  

One of the most relatable quotes for me is Bolin Shijiang’s “The world is so big and I walk slowly. What if I never find what I am looking for?”. Ever since childhood, I noticed that I seemed to "walk" relatively slower than most people. The feeling intensified when I started my master’s degree at this age. Almost everyone in my classes is in their early twenties, shining brilliantly as if they have already amassed a decade of experience. Sometimes it discouraged me that I couldn’t even manage my academic life properly while those youngsters could. It reminded me of all the things that had come later to me than to others—an endless list I wouldn’t even attempt to write down. I remember how I grew up as someone who appeared confident outside but timid inside. Truthfully, my constant failure to keep up with the “regular” timeline contributed to turning me into someone who was easily frightened and lacked confidence. 

In a world where people in the fast lane are more appreciated, I confusedly walked with a low velocity. I was drowned in a society where the deadline is tight, the expectations are high, the pace is hurried, and the competition is tough. Therefore, I was forced to rush and be impatient. I felt despair when I hadn’t gotten/achieved something while everyone around me had already enjoyed it. It was so discouraging to still wait for my turn to get a piece of cake when everyone had moved on with a bigger slice. I'm worried that I don’t have time to wait anymore--my heart murmured when I was extremely weary. On many occasions, I stared blankly and thought that probably what I waited for would never come. I've already missed the train and there is no other train afterward, or even there is no train for me in the first place--my inner voice convinced me--therefore I am stuck in the same place even though a long period of time has gone by. 

However, what she said that day straightened up my slumped shoulders. The knowledge that I can take all the time I need brings light to my dim heart. I might be left behind in several things based on society’s standards but I have the right to take as much time as I need. It’s totally okay to walk slowly or even intentionally slow down my pace when I need it. No matter how much time I need, I can wait. Even with the broken hope, I am allowed to wait. No matter how long shall I wait, or how slow my pace is, it is always okay.

Love,
iim

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P.S.:

1. As I was writing this, one of my lecturers sent an email about group formation for an assignment. His closing words? “Please do NOT feel bad if you aren’t yet in a group—I was picked last throughout my life, and I (just about) did okay in the long run! 😊”. God knew I needed to hear that. Tears ran down my face as I knew how it felt to be the last. Even though I had already joined a group, his words still touched me deeply. Never underestimate the power of kind and encouraging words. Somewhere, someone desperately needs to hear them. Thank you, Prof! I have admired your kindness since the very first class.

2. Have you ever read Alexandre Dumas's "The Count of Monte Cristo"? The novel came to mind as I wrote about convicts. Or have you ever read Bolin Shijiang's "Entrust the Rest of My Life to You"? If you have, I’d love to hear your thoughts. :)