Two months ago, I had my first term break and my Malaysian friends came up with the idea of one day trip to Newcastle. There were many beautiful attractions in that city and the last one we visited was Nobby’s Beach. Although I have visited several beaches in Sydney, this one radiated slightly deeper tranquility. I walked with an empty head through the pathway alongside the shore. There was nothing in my brain but admiration for the scenery. It has been a while since the last time I mindfully looked at the surrounding. Hence, it's safe to say that that evening was quite a memorable walk for me. 

At that moment, Maghrib prayer time arrived. Immediately, my friend and I approached the cold ocean water and performed ablution (wudhu). Using Google’s qibla finder, we figured out that we’d perform our prayer facing the beautiful lighthouse. After finished, we just silently sat and stared at the expanse of sand. The white phare was sparkling from far away. It was such a magical moment where I deeply reflected and thought about life.

During the first month in the Emerald City, I recalled feeling a tad uneasy about performing prayer. At the campus, I shall go search for a “safe space” to perform it or walk a long way to the religious center. To perform ablution, I needed to lift my legs to the sink, which made me worried to be perceived as weird. I remember feeling rather jittered when I perform prayer in public spaces, uncomfortable with people's stares. Everything was a brand new feeling for me who can perform it with no hassle back in Indonesia.

Later I remembered a conversation I had with my dad back then when I was very young. We had finished performing the Maghrib prayer and sat in the prayer room waiting for Isha time. When the time arrived, I said to him, “Shall I do ablution again? I believe there was nothing that invalidated my ablution but who knows I might forget or something else.”

“What’s so hard about doing an ablution, Im? Even a simple act like ablution is counted and rewarded by Allah. Every effort you put for Allah matters.” He advised. “Therefore, do your best for Allah.”

It reminded me that I should always put my best when it comes to my observance. I shall put aside my excuses and make my best attempt--and in the case where I've already put my best and that’s still much lacking, He is the all-forgiving. However, first, I need to put my best efforts into Him.

I remember one time when I was afraid that people in the street would stare at me praying, I decided to pray sitting. I defended myself that this might be the highest effort I can provide. However, verily that was not me giving my all. Accordingly, it is ironic that I haven’t tried my best yet asking Him to send all the good things to my life. What a shame that I couldn’t even perform the most important ritual properly yet think that I deserve a flowery fate.  

What’s my excuse for not performing prayer properly when even people in the war zone, with disabilities,  in extreme poverty, etc could perform it appropriately? What’s my excuse to feel discouraged to perform prayer in public spaces when even during the period when Prophet and his companions were afraid that they would be attacked, they still performed it one after the other? Where is my gratefulness for this perfectly-functioned body, decent life, and peaceful situation? 

I stared at the beautiful beacon, with the peaceful calming sound of the beach in my ears and tears covered my eyes. As a woman full of excuses ‘’I don’t think I can”, “Shall I take the easy road?”, and “No need to put more effort as this is also acceptable”, I reflected on this mistake of mine. As a Muslim, I know I thoroughly lacked perseverance. I had too many sins that might put me in a position of not deserving anything good. Nevertheless, He still bestowed me His mercy and favors. 

Lost track of time, the sky gradually turned black. My heart felt warm on this cold seashore due to the thankfulness for this experience of becoming a minority. I appreciated how my love for Allah has grown through difficult times. I stared again at the radiant lighthouse, this time with a smile. As the lighthouse guides mariners, thank You for always guiding me. Alhamdulillah.

Love,

iim